If you have an extraordinarily stressful and sucky day, it’s probably a good idea to NOT drink a ton of caffeine- and ginseng-laden beverages. Because that will give you insomnia in addition to the stress and suckiness.
(Is suckiness spelled like business or busyness? Suckiness? Suckyness?)
If you were my real life friend and you were in bed with me right now… Well, if you were my real life friend, you probably wouldn’t be in my bed with me. I mean, you might. But I doubt it. Depends on how much I like you.
Also depends on how willing you are to watch 1950s and 60s Alfred Hitchcock movies with me. And how willing you are to lie there, wearing your glasses, and reading your 97th book about Colonel Percy Fawcett.
Seriously. You’re totally obsessed with this Col. Fawcett dude. But don’t worry – I think it’s adorable and mega enchanting.
And it a tiny bit depends on how willing you are to let me touch your cheek. A little bit. I promise not to maul your face or anything. I just want to feel your beard occasionally. Is that bad? (Don’t grow such a sexy beard if you don’t want me to want to touch it!)
OK, and also it depends on how willing you are to not mind that I’m totally naked simultaneously looking up the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme song on the Internet, checking my bank balance, reading an historical fiction book about the black plague, thinking about what I’m going to wear tomorrow, and wondering why there aren’t more museums in Orange County.
And, though I probably won’t listen to you, it definitely depends on how willing you are to tell me that ginseng is a stimulant and I shouldn’t drink so much. And that I should go to sleep.
And to please stop touching your beard.
