Just uh…running around…doing this and that and the other

I have LOTS of great ideas. For example, black-colored Kleenex so you can cry in movies and people won’t look at you. See, cuz it’s dark in there so the black Kleenex is camouflaged.

No good? Hmpf.

Luckily, I have a bunch more. How about one of my anthropological sociology ideas?

Like…if you want to find out if someone is younger than 30, just ask them – Do you like super sour candy? If they say yes, they’re under 30.

I can see you are thoroughly unimpressed. Be nice. I haven’t been sleeping much lately.

But here are some really, really great radio ideas for you…

Listen to last night’s (5/3/11) Tim Conway, Jr. Show – John Kerry song, making fun of Whitman, and Tim is going dancing with his cousins. It was like 2006. Only better.

Listen to Talk Radio One tomorrow night for the triumphant return of Natren Healthy Trinity’s number one spokesman – Al Rantel. Oh well, look…you know…

Fermat’s Last Theorem of Talk Radio

“Big” KABC announcement: Larry Elder returns to KABC 9-12, replacing Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

“Other” KABC announcement: Mr. KABC, Al Rantel and Bob Brinker return to KABC.

OK, so…yeah…technically, I was wrong. Technically. But I don’t think I was that wrong.

Here’s why…

• Two of the people on my list – Mr. KABC and Al Rantel – are returning to KABC, just not in the 9-12 slot.
• The return of Larry Elder satisfies the basic theme of my predictions – bringing back an ex-KABC host.

And seriously, let’s not discount the very real possibility that Jack Silver read my post and thought:

“Yeah, bringing back an ex-KABC host would be cool! Great idea! But I’d better not fulfill her predictions exactly. Too obvious. Who else used to work at this station? Larry Elder? Great! Call him and let’s get back to the cooch* talk! What?! KABC doesn’t do cooch talk?! I don’t understand. What am I doing here?”

*I can’t believe I actually typed that word AND googled it because I was unsure of its spelling.**

**Turns out asterisks are addicting.***

***Off to find an AA**** meeting.

****Asterisks Anonymous. Duh!

What makes the clocks blink 12am?

Or, Occam’s Razor.

I’m not good at a lot of things.

I’m a bad gardener – I always forget to water the plants. I’m bad at directions – I need Google Maps AND a GPS to find anything. I’m a bad camper – I don’t like being dirty, I don’t like those stupid chairs, and I always get lost without remembering to bring with me a flashlight full of beans. And, as my son will tell you, I’m bad at quantum physics. (Seriously, how am I supposed to know that Newton’s Laws don’t apply at the quantum level???)

But one (admittedly, pathetic) thing I’m pretty good at is predicting the programming changes in talk radio.

So…now that Frosty, Heidi and Frank are fired, the next question is:  Who will replace them?

Here are my predictions, in order of likely-ness.

#1 Mr. KABC

He’s the one who has been doing the most fill-in work on the station lately, he’s good, he works cheap, he’s a beloved Southern California radio icon. And his NAME is, like, Mr. KABC. That has to mean something.

Oh…and…on Friday night he got all vasovagal-y when Sharon the Gossip Mom brought up the possibility.

#2 John Phillips

Boring. Boring. Boring. But KABC seems to love love love putting him in that 9-12 slot.

(Yes, I realize this would leave another empty time slot. But I can’t be in charge of every time slot right now. Maybe after I catch up on Mad Men.)

#3 Al Rantel

Kind of a dream choice. I have no idea if he’s ready to come back to work full-time. But he sure sounds good on those Natren Healthy Trinity commercials.

#4 Re-shuffle of the schedule where one of the above is hired, but in a different time slot.

Putting this option on the list because I learned from Tim Conway, Jr. you gotta box that trifecta, maan. (I’m not exactly sure what that means but I think it applies here??)

#5 Infomercial or some lame nationally-syndicated show

This might actually be more likely than #5 but I refuse to put it higher on the list. This option would make me forget that KABC was ever a station.

1981

Or, when I was a kid, chicken nuggets weren’t invented.

So yeah, we were totally deprived. We had no chicken nuggets and no selection of delicious dipping sauces. No gallons of Ranch dressing as available as tap water.

We had fish sticks. And ketchup.

But guess what – we looooved fish sticks and ketchup, especially if it was served with a side of Kraft macaroni and cheese. We couldn’t get enough of the stuff.

Us: What’s for dinnerrrrrr?

Mom: Beef stroganoff.

Us: Grosssss! Can’t we just have fish sticks????

Mom: You know the fish sticks are only for when the babysitter is coming.

Us: Can the babysitter come tonight?

Mom: Go play outside.

That’s the way life was pre-chicken nugget, pre-cable TV (OK, that was invented but our neighborhood didn’t have it), pre-Internet, pre-online shopping, pre-Netflix Watch Instantly, pre-Facebook, pre-Prius, pre-amazon.com, pre-iPad, pre-podcast.

All we could hope to dream for was chicken nuggets – because we didn’t know any better.

But now it’s 2010 and we’re grownups. We’ve moved past fish sticks and ketchup and now we want seared ahi and roasted artichoke hearts and grilled vegetables – all of them – zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, red bell peppers, red onions, asparagus, broccoli, carrots…everything. All of it locally-grown and organic. (Duh!)

And there are restaurants more than happy to give us what we want. And those restaurants are crowded. Every. Single. Night.

So here’s the deal, KABC…

John Phillips=fish sticks

Nationally-syndicated show=fish sticks

Infomercial show=worse than fish sticks…maybe like…cat food

Al Rantel=seared ahi

Mr. KABC=seared ahi

Pleeeeeease, KABC, give us something good. We aren’t the un-sophisticated, inexperienced, low-enders we used to be.

We know better now.

Natren’s Healthy Trinity

Or, my grandma’s radio is stuck on 570.

Let’s talk about the rumor that Frosty, Heidi and Frank will be the new midday show on KABC.

Umm… Yeah, I don’t see it.

I’m not sure what the average age of a KABC listener is but, with Mr. KABC, Al Rantel, Kevin James and Brian Whitman gone, it’s gotta be pushing 80. Right?

I know they brought Peter Tilden back to court the youngsters. (KABC, just because he wears dark sunglasses doesn’t necessarily make him a hepcat.) I guess by “young” they mean ever so slightly younger. Like 72.

Do 72-year olds enjoy fat, sweaty, pasty, blobby guys who play Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue, Could She, Could She, Could She Coo on the keyboard? Hey… I think they do.

Welcome to KABC FHF!

Sorry Suzanne, your radio boyfriend is done with talk radio or talk radio might be done with him

So last week I decided to subscribe to John Ziegler’s podcast. I caught up on some old episodes. I remembered why I liked John. I heard a fascinating story about his fiance returning her engagement ring for, oh nothing, the FIFTH time. Good times.

And then, before you can say “I heart Sarah Palin,” he flamed out.

Bad vibes, man.

Unlike KABC (who did not podcast Al Rantel’s final show), KGIL has made John Ziegler’s final show (8/14/09) available to download. Hurry on over to iTunes before they pull it.

I’m getting extremely tired of writing about the demise of local talk radio shows. I’m getting extremely frustrated with Los Angeles talk radio stations selling out to bland nationally syndicated nonsense. And I’m getting extremely weary of the “it’s cheaper” excuse.

And if KGIL cancels its fishing show, I’m just going to explode! (Seriously, there’s a fishing show?)

KABC needs Randy Wang

So KABC never posted the podcast of Al Rantel’s last show and now they’ve removed his page from their website.

But if you’ve really got an Al Rantel jones, you can hear a couple minutes of the final show on Mike Mendoza’s podcast from July 1.

I know, KABC sucks.

Oh…well…look…don’t be a dumb-dumb

Al Rantel has retired.

After fighting a long battle with cancer, he made the decision to leave talk radio, at least for a while. Last night was his final show on KABC.

I was only able to listen to the last few minutes, but Al sounded good and hopeful about the future. I haven’t been able to find the podcast of this show. KABC isn’t the best about posting their podcasts in a timely manner.

Make sure you keep up with Mike Mendoza on Talk Radio One. He is a good friend of Al’s and has indicated he might be a guest soon.

In the mean time, watch out for all those Liberals running around!

The crying Indian was not an Indian

I’m a little bored with my current podcast lineup. The crazy bobsled is over, FHF are putting out low-end podcasts they recorded weeks ago, Mr. K’s been taking a ton of days off, Low Budget Radio is geeking it up with Star Trek and Star Wars talk.

So what about talk radio…

KABC – Al Rantel’s still out, too many commercials on Doug McIntyre.

KFI – Depression city. Non-stop tax talk on John and Ken. (Thank goodness the election is today. Let’s drink the peppermint schnapps and be done.) Jodi Becker’s gone. (Took that Greyhound bus heading east.)

So for about a week I’ve been listening to old Conway and Whitman podcasts. Those were the good old days, maan. Let’s reminisce.

Remember when…

Randy was Ryan. And normal.

Tim and Brian thought Johnny Vegas was a cool dude.

Weird Al was practically a weekly topic.

Brian’s voices sang “Let me borrow that top.”

Tim got a flu shot. At Sears.

Not a hit!!!

Mendoza-palooza

Caffeine addict and Gordon Brown hater, Mike Mendoza will be filling in for Marc Germain on Talk Radio One Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this week from 8-10pm Pacific (I think that’s 4-6am UK time).

Marc and Rob are in Las Vegas – and apparently staying in the same room. (Is it weird for two married men over the age of 40 to share a hotel room? Rooms can’t be that expensive in a recessionary Las Vegas.)

Anyway, Mike used to simulcast with Al Rantel once a week on KABC from the UK and does a good show. He’ll talk to the Gossip Mom tonight. (Do you think he’s interested in Lindsbian news?)

Check it out…if only for Mike’s super cool (and super long) theme song.