If Not For the Courage

What? You don’t have a framed Brady Bunch photo, personally autographed by Sherwood Schwartz, hanging in your office? Hm. Odd.

Well he died today. So maybe now’s a good time to rethink that decision.

You know how Adam Carolla says the TV shows of his childhood are moronic and devoid of any intelligence or importance?

I don’t believe it.

Because I spent MY childhood watching shows from HIS childhood…The Brady Bunch, Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Bewitched, Laugh-In, The Bob Newhart Show. All the greats.

And I’m totally smart now.

Things I learned from Sherwood Schwartz:

1. Professors are cute.
2. Ducks and frogs and parrots can talk. And they sound remarkably like Mel Blanc.
3. You’re supposed to give your parents anniversary gifts. And have them engraved.
4. You can make geiger counters out of bamboo.
5. Boys don’t like girls who have swollen noses or braces or glasses. Except kinda nerdy boys whose parents are wallpaper salesmen. Those boys like you anyway.
6. Kissing may give you the mumps.
7. Movie stars have a neverending supply of black eyeliner and fake eyelashes.
8. Before you give your dog away, make sure it’s not just the new flea powder you’re allergic to.
9. Professors are cute. (Did I already mention that?)
10. Two words:  Caveat Emptor.

You don’t learn this stuff on Ni Hao Kai Lan or Wow! Wow! Wubbzy, people.

Adam Carolla on Sirius. Serious.

OK. So I heard this on Friday when I listened to the Adam Carolla Show episode with Dave Dameshek. (Funny that spell check has a problem with Carolla but not Dameshek.) But, I guess I forgot I heard it. And just now remembered.

Anyway, yeah. Starting tomorrow (I think?) the Adam Carolla Show will be aired live on Howard Stern’s Sirius channel. Two hours, including commercials. Podcast still available free as normal.

Btw, I was just reading through the relevant thread on the Howard Stern message board, something I’ve never done before. Interesting discovery – lots of people place a major emphasis on show guests. As in…I only listen to ACS if there is a good guest.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think guests are the weakest link of any podcast or radio show. With very few exceptions, I kinda hate every guest.

Being good on talk radio is a specific skill and doesn’t necessarily translate to just any actor, comedian, celebrity doctor, arachnid expert, or Hooters chick.

Begin, Reagan, Palestine*

You know how Gina Grad always enjoys a good cancellation? Like…

Friend: Hey, it’s raining so we’re not doing that garden party after all.
Gina: Perfect!

While I was totally rooting for Gina to be the new news girl on the Adam Carolla Show, I wasn’t too bummed for her when it was revealed she didn’t get the job. There’s probably a decent part of her that’s relieved she’s not committed to driving over to the warehouse every day.

So anyway, Alison Rosen is the new girl. In the words of the great Tim Conway, Jr…

Eh…she’s fine.

*Originally I planned to title this blog post with a line from the Billy Joel song, Uptown Girl…because when Teresa Strasser became the new news girl, they made her sing a parody of that song.

Turns out…those lyrics SUCK. It’s like the song was written by a marginally talented 12-year old.

Then I looked at some other Billy Joel lyrics and…yeah…they all suck. So I went with Begin, Reagan, Palestine. It was either that or – You stand on the corner in your New English clothes.

In the end, a Begin lyric is always cleverer.

I agree wholeheartedly

Or, why Teresa Strasser is way better than Tracy Metro.

I’m totally a fan of people having jobs that pay money. Even when it means they can’t be as available to me with free podcasts. (This doesn’t apply to you, Mr. KABC. I really need you to keep doing the free shows, even if it means you have to give up the luxurious lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.)

But yeah…in general, I want all the Internet radio show and podcast people to have real jobs that pay real money. So I understand when Teresa Strasser can’t do the news on the Adam Carolla Show because she’s busy being on the receiving end of a major passive-agressive Peter Tilden move.

I understand it but I don’t like it.

I don’t like it because every chick who has filled in for Teresa has sucked. Completely. As Rich Marotta would say, every one of them has been filled with suckiosity.

And at the pinnacle of Mt. Saint Sucky is this Tracy Metro. I mean, seriously, who told this girl she could do the news?

First of all, she coughed throughout the entire show today. You’re sick, you have a cough, there’s no official ‘cough’ button – I get it. But how about you at least TRY to move your mouth away from the microphone? It was like she mistook the microphone for a Sucrets. (Old-fashioned cough drop reference dedicated to Adam “let’s head down to the Alpha Beta” Carolla.)

And then she was reading some story about Christine O’Donnell, to which Adam said something about her being a Wiccan. And Tracy’s all, “She’s a Wiccan?!?!?!!?!?!?!?” Like it hasn’t been in the news for weeks. If you’re going to pretend to be a news broadcaster, at least pretend that you’ve heard of some news.

Hey, I have a great idea! Maybe someone could give Adam like…10 million dollars? Then he could pull the old Officer and a Gentleman move, swoop into that KABC studio, rescue Teresa from a life of commercial, traffic and news breaks, take her to the warehouse, give her a microphone and maybe half a Xanax, and give her some money.

So yeah…if anyone has an extra 10 million dollars lying around, can you give it to Adam? That would be awesome – thanks!

Just like glitter mixed with rock and roll

The following IM exchange takes place at least 50 times a week between me and one of my best friends.

Me: thanks, you’re a huge stud

BF: eh, i’m ok

But the other day, it went like this…

BF: i’m a huge stud

Me: glad you’re finally catching on

BF: but you should have said – you’re ok

Me: actually, i think it’s – eh, you’re ok

BF: glad you’re finally catching on

Me: i think in the first email i ever sent you i wrote – thanks, you’re the best (because i didn’t think you were familiar with the whole Tim Conway, Jr. ‘huge stud’ thing)

Me: and you wrote back – eh, i’m ok

BF: the more things change, the more they stay the same

OK, that’s probably a long and boring way to this glamophonic place.

The return of the Adam Carolla Show.

Not the podcast. The real radio show. Minus Danny Bonaduce, Jack Silver, and – oh yeah – a radio frequency. Just the main crew - Bald Bryan, Teresa Strasser, Dawson, Angie, et al. – and the sound effects, the semi-successful attempts to read the news, the stories, the rants, the camaraderie, the non-overwhelming, non-ubiquitous use of guests, and Adam.

So,  yeah, everything that was good about the Adam Carolla Show and nothing that was bad.

Good > Bad.

Mandate get it on

Or, my worlds are colliding again.

If you’ve got yourself a decent Adam Carolla jones, listen to Adam on my favorite imaginary radio show – Too Beautiful to Live with Luke Burbank. (5/28/10 episode)

If you’re not from Germany or Florida, you should be listening to TBTL anyway because it’s an amazing combination of FM Talk and NPR with newsy-talk, personal stories, and nonsense. Perfect.

(Plus, long-time TBTL producer Jen Andrews and I are totally soul mates.)

(Um, why does this post have no title?)

So since I’ve been busy being a super sexy single mom on a budget, in a Mad Men-Dexter-Californication coma and reading yet ANOTHER book about the wives of Henry VIII, I’ve missed blogging about some of the important talk radio news.

The Another Bill Handel Show Flames Out

Hahaha

OK, that was childish. But seriously, that show got boring-er and boring-er every day it aired. And it started out pretty boring.

Return of Doug McIntyre’s Red Eye Radio

RER is a talk radio institution. Finding the podcast, however, took a little digging. Here’s the feed. (Copy the URL; go to iTunes; go to Advanced > Subscribe to Podcast; Paste the URL; click OK)

ACE Broadcasting Network

Loving the Parent Experiment with Teresa Strasser and Lynette Carolla. I’ll likely not listen to Car Cast, Spider and the Henchman, Daves of Thunder, et al. but I think it’s AWESOME that they exist. Go Adam.

Hello sweet spirit

So over the long weekend I was able to listen to a lot of podcasts. A lot. I’m all caught up on TBTL, Marc Germain, Pretty Good Podcast, and Low Budget. I even listened to a couple K-Pods and a couple Adam Carollas.

I re-listened to the latest Ricky Gervais audiobook – Guide to Society. (By the way, another audiobook comes out tomorrow – Guide to Law and Order.) I heart these audiobooks.

Oh, and on Black Friday I camped out in front of the $78 1TB external hard drives. So now I’m all set to permanently archive whatever old Conway and Whitmans I managed to download when they were available.

Perhaps that makes me a loser, but I can’t take the chance of never hearing those studs together again.

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness

Happy Thanksgiving to all the I Heart Talk Radio readers! You guys are major studs and I’m thankful for you.

I am also thankful for…

Wayne Resnick for being a guitar god and a great talk show host. And for working every holiday so losers like me have something to listen to at 5:00am.

Randy Wang for starting the podcast revolution.

Adam Carolla for the radio methadone.

Frosty, Heidi and Frank for everything. You guys are the best.

Kathleen McGowan for writing the most interesting book I read this year.

Nigel Lythgoe for So You Think You Can Dance (don’t laugh, it really is a tremendous show)

J.K. Rowling and Alan Rickman for Severus Snape.

Trader Joe’s for sparkling mineral water.

and

Clay Aiken for his version of O Holy Night.

KFI AM 640 – More Carolla/Conway Talk Radio

Or, I am an A student in the graduate-level class, KFI Gets a New Show 501.

When starting a new show, KFI works in baby steps. First, they let you fill in on weekends. Next, you get a short weekend show. Next, they let you fill in on a few weekdays in the 3pm-ish to 10pm-ish time slots. Next, you get a longer weekend show.

Then you usually get your own nighttime weekday show, where you linger for a few years before you piss off John Kobylt and get sent to a bunker. Or maybe you just flame out.

KFI is doing something a little different now, but I think I can see where this is going.

Tomorrow Adam Carolla is filling in for Bill Handel. And Tim Conway, Jr. is filling in on Friday.

I’ve been calling the demise of the Kennedy and Suits show ever since Tim set foot in a KFI studio. With Kennedy gone, we’re halfway there. I don’t think it will be too long before we see an Adam Carolla/Tim Conway, Jr. show M-F 7pm-10pm.

I’m just saying…