The Handbags and the Gladrags

Once upon a time I created a Facebook group to reinstate the LONG Timmy Time theme on the Tim Conway, Jr. Show. Yeah, that didn’t really work.

However, I still firmly believe in the importance of theme songs.

Luke, Sean, and Jen on TBTL recently did a fantastic show entitled Why It Matters: TV Theme Songs. You should totally listen to it.

And then you should make a list of your top five TV theme songs. Here are mine.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
Best theme song of all time. Also best TV show of all time. Completely sophisticated and wonderful. Did you know Johnny Costa played the music LIVE for every single episode? (Yeeeeeesssss, I-know-I’ve-written-about-this-five-times-but-some-people-don’t-read-every-day, my brotha.)

Bosom Buddies
Reminds me of faking being sick, staying home from school, playing Super Mario Bros., and studying for Academic Decathlon. I know, I know…nerd.

Mary Tyler Moore
Sorry, it is NOT hacky to love this song. It’s awesome. Also, I still need Lou Grant to come over when I have insomnia and sit with me until I fall asleep.

Gidget
Bathing suits, the beach, surfing, cute boys, hot English professor single dads. If you grew up in southern California, this is your anthem.

The British Office
If ever a theme song perfectly matched the tone and feeling of a show, this is it. Its melancholyness and desperate longingness makes your heart feel like it’s being squeezed by that guy you love who won’t love you back.

GOD, that is sad. Go listen to the Bosom Buddies song again before you slip into a Dees-pression.

Swimming a deep sea of blankets

So today I was sitting in my cubicle fantasizing. This is nothing new. I’ll usually spend a few hours a day fantasizing. Fantasizing about super hot stuff like new shoes and iPads and days laying in the sun while being pleasured with super hard massages and alcoholic beverages.

But today I was fantasizing about Tim Conway, Jr. Yes, I know he’s the two-time winner of Sexiest Man Alive – Talk Radio Edition. But I don’t think I ever spent a lot of time thinking about his body.

Thinking about his porcelain skin and his candy lips and bubblegum tongue. About the way his hair falls in his face and his shape while crawling toward the pillowcase. And how he looks so good it hurts sometimes.

His body is TOTALLY a wonderland.

Tim, last night you inquired if any listeners were out there thinking about how your body is a wonderland.

The answer, obviously, is yes.

<super small font>P.S. Hi. It’s me. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help it. I mean, Tim is great and all. Totally funny. And who can resist finding those Tom Bosley glasses endearing? I’ve never actually met Tim. I’m sure his body is fine. But a wonderland? Mmm…eh. But…shhh…don’t tell Tim. mkthx. :) </super small font>

Say goodbye to your boy

Real quick…

Today is the last Tim Conway, Jr. show – Saturday edition. Good for him. He deserves the whole weekend off.

So what happens now? Rotating tryouts.

Next week – Lisa Ann Walter sits in.

After that – Who knows?

Burning White Hot on Gallaway

I have a confession. I went a little crazy today, as evidenced in the following photograph.

Yes, I did listen to Gary Hoffmann sing Timmy Time in German a few times. Okay, YES, seventy times to be exact.

But to be fair, I put the song on repeat to punish my kid for choosing the wrong restaurant for dinner. So that accounts for like 15 of the plays.

(What? You don’t punish your kids with repetitive talk radio show themes? What do you do, like have a reasonable discussion followed by appropriate discipline and follow-through? Hm. Sounds boring.)

Anyway…recently I learned by way of my friend’s mom that you shouldn’t pray for people getting things done to their hineys. Fair enough. But maybe you could pray for people with an uncontrollable urge to listen to Gary Hoffmann sing in German?

große Audio

Sie wissen, wie Teresa Strasser sagt, sie hat eine leichte NaziFantasie? Sie liebt die große, blonde deutsche Männer mit großen Stirn.

Ich glaube, alle Frauen teilen diese Phantasie. Ein bisschen. Es ist Ralph Fiennes Schuld. Wir möchten nicht wie Nazis, aber wir können nicht helfen.

Gute Nachrichten, liebe Kolleginnen. Sie können jetzt fühlen Sie sich frei auf Deutsch dudes ohneStigmatisierung zu zerquetschen.

Oh? You don’t read German? This is what Google Translate thinks I wrote:

You know, says Teresa Strasser, she has a slight Nazi fantasy?She loves the big, blond German men with big foreheads.

I think all women share this fantasy. A little. It is Ralph Fiennes debt. We do not like Nazis, but we can not help.

Good news, ladies. You can now feel free to German dudes without stigma crush.

Little Lambs of Amazingness

Wait! Don’t stop reading just cuz this is a repost. This part right here is BRAND NEW!

Tonight my absolutely favorite sports person (well, besides Bob Boone) Petros Papadakis sang the LONG Timmy Time theme live on the Tim Conway, Jr. show.

A-mazing.

It is with no hyperbole that I tell you it was one of those talk radio moments that I’ll always remember. Timmy Time is SO important, you guys.

From January 25, 2011…

Here’s a scene from my Pre-Timmy Time life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. Hm. Tim’s coming on soon. Let me just finish this episode of House Hunters/wash these dishes/organize my earrings/look up the lyrics to the Raveonettes’ You Want the Candy online and I’ll catch TCJ in a bit.

Here’s a scene from my Timmy Time (long edition) life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. (To everyone who happens to be in my house or car…) TIMMY TIME – FOUR MINUTES!!!!! Turn on KFI/turn up volume/tell friends and family to please shut up and get ready to sing.

And then.

Similar to that initial low, bassy, electronic vacuum-sounding buzz that kicks of the Main Street Electrical Parade composition, the opening notes of Timmy Time are evocative and pregnant with verisimilitude.

Everyone becomes instantly enchanted and mesmerized. Then we sing. And dance. And celebrate. And we listen to KFI for three straight hours.

Timmy Time is important. We need it back. It’s a celebration of community and humanity and freedom.

It’s America. In the best way possible.

P.S. If you believe in America, please LIKE - Bring Back the LONG Timmy Time Theme on the Tim Conway, Jr. Show. Thanks. You’re a huge stud.

Such a lot of fun

Tim Conway, Jr. listeners have a tendency to be depressed as hell. I don’t know why that is but I suspect it’s because we’re all so extraordinarily intelligent and complex and talented. I mean, some of us (ME!) are actual movie stars!

Anyway…it’s that special combination of brilliance and acuteness that sometimes sends us into a radical depression.

Occasionally, we take the edge off by chasing handfuls of Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, and Luvox with a $7 bottle of Frost vodka. Attention: This can kill you. Don’t do it.

Other times, we risk being un-followed on Twitter by sending out MULTIPLE John Hodgman-themed tweets. This is a risky move because being un-followed is just about the worst thing that can happen to a wildly depressed person.

Btw, can you do me a favor and follow me on Twitter? That would be awesome. I need to boost my numbers in case I start multi-tweeting Wil Wheaton. And let’s face it, that’s mega likely.

Cheer up, studs!

#winning

OK, I always realized I was not as #winning as Charlie Sheen. I mean, there is no cocaine, chocolate milk, booze, baseball equipment, hair pieces, Just for Men, on-call cosmetic dentists, goddesses, children I’m barely caring for, ex-wives, radio talk show hosts on speed dial, random insertion of terms like ‘bring it,’ Adonis DNA references, or tiger blood at my house. Well, practically none.

Those things are all pretty bad. And it might lead you to believe I am not only not #winning, but perhaps #losing. But you guys, it’s worse than that. Way worse. In addition to everything else, I’m also not being pursued by Steve Gregory. #losingloser #heystevecallme

My mother loved to twirl

You know how sometimes things are unexpectedly disappointing? Like…

Someone else bought the cabinet you so desperately wanted from HomeGoods so that you could upgrade your lifestyle by pretending you’re Kathleen Kelly. And now it belongs to someone who will most certainly NOT pretend to be Kathleen Kelly whilst using it – probably for something stupid like fake ferns, rusty watering cans, and candles they never light. Not awesome wine, IKEA napkins, and fresh cut daisies from the farmer’s market like you were going to. Or…

Your landlord decided to install a new mailbox and not give you a new key so you’ve been waiting with increasingly annoyed anticipation for six days to receive The Wire, Season 3 Disc 1 from Netflix. And you’re kind of forgetting about that crush you had on Stringer. Which is unfortunate because he is HOT. Or…

Your totally nice, Japanese-made car needed new brakes and a bunch of other stuff, which added up to $518, which you didn’t have so you had to lay a card down, which made you laugh a little bit to yourself when you used the phrase ‘lay a card down,’ but not enough to offset the unexpected disappointment of having to pay $518, which you would have had if you had listened to Dave Ramsey and had a $1000 ‘starter emergency fund’ instead of a ‘spend $1000 on a computer and new Coach bag’ plan.

Right?

Well, today was kinda like that with podcasts.

Too Beautiful to Live – No Jen.
Tim Conway, Jr. – Bryan Suits fill in.
Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me – Clip show. SPORTS clip show.
Heidi and Frank – Stay or go.

Meh.

Looking for Mr. Right

Hi!!! I’m a super fun party girl looking for love! I’m a total animal lover and I love to help people. So if you have a depressed cat, I think I’m the gurl for you!

I also like guys who are funny with a great sense of humor! I love to laugh! Some things I find hysterical are Ferrari’s, house’s in Malibu, boat’s, and Rolex’es! Oh, and I also love shoes!!! What can I say I’m a girl! LOL!!!

P.S. OMG!!! I think I found Mr. Right!!!

P.S.S. But still right back if you think I’m hot. Cuz you never know! LOL!!!