Heidi and Frank are the brand new Howard Stern. And Frosty is the brand new Jackie Martling.

When I read the news this morning that Heidi and Frank are charging for their new show, I was like…hm…that sucks. I won’t be listening to them anymore. No tears, no drama, no complaining, no angst, no pounding of fists. Just…hm…that sucks.

And then I spent the day thinking about why I didn’t even consider paying for a VIP membership.

Yes, I can ‘afford’ $5 a month. I can ‘afford’ lots of things I don’t buy.

I can ‘afford’ to buy a pack of cigarettes every month – but I don’t smoke. I can ‘afford’ a trip to Chuck E. Cheese every month – but I’d rather not torture myself.

I can ‘afford’ to buy a jar of blueberry preserves from Trader Joe’s every month. And I love Trader Joe’s blueberry preserves – delicious in sandwiches, on toast, in greek yogurt parfaits. (Seriously, you should buy some next time you’re there.) But I don’t buy blueberry preserves every month. Why not? Because it’s just not something I think about much. It’s not that important to me.

I’m rational enough to realize that people who do good work deserve to be paid. I don’t share my Netflix username/password. I always pay for my music downloads. I’m happy to throw some money at Randy and Gina when I can.

But paying for the Heidi and Frank Show makes me feel a little bit sick. I’ve narrowed it down to these reasons:

(Bulleted list especially for Therese.)

• Heidi and Frank didn’t mention the pay thing at all – until today.
• Whoever is running their show’s Facebook page is bullying people with – C’mon, $5? Seriously?! Give up your latte! Funny how there’s sooo much support until we ask you to pay! REAL fans will pay! Frankly, I’d prefer a little NPR-style guilt trip more than straight-out bullying.
• Their new website. I don’t know how to describe it exactly. It’s just like…skeezy or something, vaguely porn-ish in a ‘Watch one minute free – give us your credit card number to see more’ way.

I certainly want podcasting to be successful. I’ve willingly supported lots of Internet radio shows and podcasts in the last year and a half. But this Heidi and Frank thing…it just doesn’t feel right to me.

And, if I learned anything from Dr. Laura, it’s this. If it feels good, do it!

(Wait, that might not be right…)

Twitter doesn’t give you enough characters

RT @KFINEWS Dr. Laura says she’s ending her radio show at the end of the year. Says she wants her first amendment rights back.

Uh…baby – your first amendment rights have not been violated. You said some dumb ess and people (read: advertisers) don’t like it. They pulled out because it’s THEIR right to not put their money into your show. Or any show.

They can waste their money on Yellow Pages ads or matchbook covers or promotional T-shirts if they want. It’s THEIR money.

Just as the celebrated British-American philosopher, Kelly Osbourne, once said, “My teeth, my vagina, my business.” It’s kinda like that.

Your Constitutional rights are not any more important than the rights of other Americans. We’re all the same. One of the Presidents said that.

I think it was Taft.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.

Or, BAM!

Once upon a time, my friend Michelle and I made plans to drive to Las Vegas to eat at Emeril Lagasse’s restaurant. (Don’t laugh – this was when it was cool to like Emeril. And eat steaks cooked on cedar planks.) We made the mistake of talking about our trip at work and, before we knew it, a co-worker had invited herself to come along.

This chick completely dominated the energy of the entire trip. She insisted on paying for our expensive dinner. Then the next day asked us to pay her back. She shared a bed with me and didn’t even have the decency to wear pants. I mean, we barely knew each other – we were work colleagues, not BFFs!

When we got in the car to drive home, Michelle found the most boring, driest, old manniest talk radio station she could. And we listened to it until we lost the signal.

Talk radio as punishment…awesome.

So you guys know I’ve been listening to Dr. Laura at noon instead of Bill Handel. Purely out of spite.

But just because it’s Christmas – and at Christmas you give bad talk radio shows another chance –  I’ve been listening to the Another Bill Handel Show for the past few days.

It makes me wish someone I barely know or like would go on a road trip with me.

Every Monday-Friday, noon-2:00.

Bill Handel is the brand new Henry VIII

If you thought comparing Dr. Laura to Professor Trelawney was crazy, wait until you read this…

Or, everything I know about King Henry VIII I learned from The Tudors.

Just kidding, I only saw the first season of The Tudors and it wasn’t too heavy on facts. However, it did do one thing well – encapsulate the enormous ego of Henry VIII in Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Henry VIII was famous for his dynamic personality. Even as a child people were drawn to him. He was affable and beautiful and sociable. He made people feel special in his presence. He had a sparkle. Today we would call him Bill Clintony.

Of course we know he also had a dark side. A side (controlled by that major ego) that allowed him to believe himself equal to God and, oh nothing, have a couple of his wives killed – Anne Boleyn and Katherine Howard.

You have to admire Anne Boleyn. Sure, she stole a good woman’s man, but for eleven years she walked the extremely fine line of holding the kings interest – stroking his ego, giving just enough but not too much, keeping him engaged, and bending his will to match her own.

If we can accept the theory that Bill Handel’s ego is as big as Henry VIII’s (obviously), Michelle Kube is way better than Anne. She’s like Anne without the ambition. She knows how to strike the balance between control and subservience.

Lara Hermanson? She’s Katherine Howard. Young, dynamic, attractive but too independent. After awhile she didn’t curtsy when Bill came in the room. She was off having a romp with other dudes, metaphorically speaking. And the result was not pretty.

So, sorry, Hanna. You are a mistress. Intriguing His Grace at first, but one slip of the tongue and you’re out of favor. If you want to return to the king’s good graces, study Michelle, the one for whom no equal archetype exists.

Thus concludes lesson one in my course - Tudor Society and Modern Radio. Stay tuned for lesson two - Queen Elizabeth I vs. Dina Losito: Who would win in a fight?

Don’t drive past a radio station with fillings in your teeth

Or, I heart ooTunes.

I’ve been doing some KFI bashing lately. (They totally deserve it.) Here’s a compliment though. That 50,000 watt omni-directional signal is great. All my radios pick it up without static, no Spanish stations bleed in, I can listen in every room of my house, in my car, etc. It’s awesome.

Unfortunately I can’t say the same for KFWB and KTLK. I have to very precisely align my radio with the ionosphere and hope for good cosmic energy in order to pick those stations up down here in the OC.

This is not acceptable. Or, asseptable, as Nanny Jo would say. (That’s for you, Gina.)

I want to listen to Brian Whitman filling in for those big libs over on KTLK.

I want to listen to Dave Ramsey on KFWB.

I want to listen to Dr. Laura, just to spite Bill Handel and his dopey new show.

And while we’re at it, I also would like to listen to Talk Radio One live on my iPod Touch.

Now I can. I purchased the ooTunes app today for only $3.99 and I love it. Not only are KTLK, KFWB and Talk Radio One available on ooTunes, there are tons of other stations – music and talk – available as well.

So if you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, buy this app. And do Mr. KABC a favor and click through from his site. He deserves it. He is a beloved Southern California radio icon after all.

KFI AM 640 – More Homogeneous Talk Radio

Today’s the big day! Are you excited?

Today is the day KFI tells us, the listeners, what we like. You know, how we love more and more of the same. How we don’t like new shows. Or new hosts. We don’t say, “Why did Lara Hermanson get fired?” or “What happened to the Dr. Laura show?” or “I miss Tim and Neil” or “What really happened between John Kobylt and John Ziegler?”

No way!

Instead we say (come on everybody, chant along)…

We like Bill Handel!

We like John and Ken!

Give us more!

Starting this week, KFI is giving us what we always wanted.

Coast to Coast…51 hours a week.

Bill Handel…35 hours a week.

John and Ken…28 hours a week.

Tim Conway, Jr…2 hours a week. (He’s new and interesting. We aren’t allowed to like him too much yet. KFI says we can only like him two hours a week. Unless someone goes on vacation. Then we’re allowed to like him a little more.)

Wait, I’m confused. Is this their attempt at socialized talk radio programming?

I thought KFI said we didn’t like socialism.

Is Dr. Laura the brand new Professor Trelawney?

On August 11, 2009 between 8:30 and 9:00 Bill Handel called Dr. Laura out as a liar.

As I listened to Bill go on and on yesterday about how Dr. Laura did NOT leave KFI of her own free will, how she did NOT have a contract with KFI, and that no one would willingly go from a 50,000 watt to a 5,000 watt station, I was puzzled.

I wondered why a nationally syndicated radio show would not have a legal contract with the stations that carry the show. (Is that what Handel on the Law would recommend?) I wondered why Dr. Laura would lie about this. And I wondered why KFI would care if she did lie. I mean, she’s a old lady with 21 years’ worth of history at the station. Can’t they let her save face (if that’s what she was attempting to do)? I thought, how does it benefit KFI to trash Dr. Laura?

This morning I had my light bulb moment.

Of course KFI would want to marginalize Dr. Laura! She has tons of loyal listeners. If those listeners see how KFI treated their morality guru and follow her over to KFWB, who will listen to this stupid “high-bread” show?

If KFI can metaphorically strip Dr. Laura of her fancy jeans, blouse, and custom-made rhinestone cowboy boots (Is that still the look she’s pulling these days?) and leave her exposed for all to mock and ridicule, no one will listen to KFWB.

Classy.

Wait, when did I get all John Ziegler-y?