Swing the spinning step

Or, you’re a really good teacher, Harry.

Fair Warning
I am probably going to say some things that sound sexist and unprogressive. I, in no way, mean to disparage men or women.

Please don’t call Gloria Allred, Tammy Bruce, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Gloria Steinem, Hillary Duff, or Taylor Swift.

OK. Here’s a conversation I recently had with my brother…

Him: I can’t listen to Teresa’s news on the Peter Tilden show. It’s so liberal.
Me: She has to have SOME fun.
Him: She wasn’t like that on the Adam Carolla show.
Me:  Well yeah, because she was happier there. She’d rather be with Adam but she has a strong work ethic and an obligation to her family to make money, so she takes the job with Peter Tilden that pays money, even though it’s not what she wants to do. So to make it bearable, she gives a liberal slant to the news. It’s for her. It gives her some pleasure in that depression city that is KABC. Get it?
Him: Wow.
Me: It’s just like Cho Chang and her complex feelings.

No idea what I’m talking about? C’mon people…Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? It was like two movies ago.

Alright fine. I’ve transcribed the scene for you. Set-up info: Harry and Cho Chang kissed at the end of Dumbledore’s Army practice. Cho was crying.

Hermione: Don’t you understand how she must be feeling?
Ron/Harry: (Blank, clueless faces.)
Hermione: Obviously she’s feeling sad about Cedric, confused about liking Harry, guilty about kissing him, conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mom from her job at the Ministry, frightened of failing her O.W.L.s because she’s so busy worrying about everything else.

See? It’s totally the same thing.

So, yeah. I’m the brand new Hermione Granger. Look at me.

FHF FAQ II

Did Frosty, Heidi and Frank get fired?

Yes. Well, their contract at KABC was not renewed. Their last show aired 9/24/10.

What happened to Frosty?

Frosty decided to ‘retire’ and part ways with Heidi and Frank. Supposedly, he’s moving to Denver.

What happened to the KABC iTunes feed?

They shut that thing down super fast.

Where’s the final show podcast?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You can download it here. But hurry up…no telling how long KABC will leave it up.

Where can I find the last week’s KABC shows?

I have them. Blind drop. Trader Joe’s Studio City. You drop 30 large behind the Greek yogurt. The 2% kind. No, not the goat’s milk kind, the plain cow’s milk Greek yogurt. 2%. I’ll drop the flash drive. Sorry…I think I’ve been watching too much Breaking Bad…

For now, you can download the KABC shows here. But still – hurry up!

So what now?

Listen to Heidi and Frank live every day 10-12 on www.heidiandfrank.com for free. You can also become a VIP for about $5/month to access podcasts, videos and other extra stuff. Show starts 10/4/10.

What do you mean I have to pay?

Frank’s got a kid, Heidi needs more jeans, vests and hats.

I hate everyone who won’t pay for the Heidi and Frank Show VIP pass.

That’s technically not a question. But I hope Heidi and Frank get tons of subscribers.

I truly wish Frosty, Heidi and Frank the best of luck. Always.

Charles Kuralt, CBC Evening News

No Data Found – FHF Edition

So…last day of Frosty, Heidi and Frank. Who listened? Who cried?

And did KABC pull the podcast feed already? Wow.

If you want to download the podcast of today’s show, you can do it manually here.

Fermat’s Last Theorem of Talk Radio

“Big” KABC announcement: Larry Elder returns to KABC 9-12, replacing Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

“Other” KABC announcement: Mr. KABC, Al Rantel and Bob Brinker return to KABC.

OK, so…yeah…technically, I was wrong. Technically. But I don’t think I was that wrong.

Here’s why…

• Two of the people on my list – Mr. KABC and Al Rantel – are returning to KABC, just not in the 9-12 slot.
• The return of Larry Elder satisfies the basic theme of my predictions – bringing back an ex-KABC host.

And seriously, let’s not discount the very real possibility that Jack Silver read my post and thought:

“Yeah, bringing back an ex-KABC host would be cool! Great idea! But I’d better not fulfill her predictions exactly. Too obvious. Who else used to work at this station? Larry Elder? Great! Call him and let’s get back to the cooch* talk! What?! KABC doesn’t do cooch talk?! I don’t understand. What am I doing here?”

*I can’t believe I actually typed that word AND googled it because I was unsure of its spelling.**

**Turns out asterisks are addicting.***

***Off to find an AA**** meeting.

****Asterisks Anonymous. Duh!

You know the drill

“Big” KABC announcement today at 2:00. Anyone planning on listening*? Email me? Please? Thanks. :)

*In case you’re confused, it’s not a requirement that you don’t have both of your original hips to listen to KABC, just to work there. Though I’m pretty sure the original hips to non-original hips ratio for listeners is pretty heavy on the non-original hips side as well.**

**This is a joke. No offense intended toward any KABC employee or listener. You all are young, hip*** and happening in far out, groovy ways.

***Hip. Get it? This is just an example of some of the laughs we have around here.****

****This is a lame pun combined with a reference to The Office’s (BBC version) David Brent.*****

*****Is there a rule as to the number of asterisks you can use in a single post? I’m afraid I have exceeded the limit. Must go to work now, where I will likely use no asterisks. But lots of em dashes.

Get ready to lay a card down

A very bullet-y post…

• www.heidiandfrank.com is up
• Last day of Frosty, Heidi and Frank at KABC is this Friday September 24
• Um…yeah…you have to pay for the Heidi and Frank podcasts

But hey – you get a free cap if you pay in advance for a year. Woooo – I love free caps!!!

Membership Dees-tails…$49.95/yr or $4.95 month

For me – sorry guys, it’s been a great 10 years.

From The Heidi & Frank Show Facebook page…

The Heidi & Frank Show ‎$5 a month ain’t bad Max! And yes, to podcast you’ll need to be a VIP.

What makes the clocks blink 12am?

Or, Occam’s Razor.

I’m not good at a lot of things.

I’m a bad gardener – I always forget to water the plants. I’m bad at directions – I need Google Maps AND a GPS to find anything. I’m a bad camper – I don’t like being dirty, I don’t like those stupid chairs, and I always get lost without remembering to bring with me a flashlight full of beans. And, as my son will tell you, I’m bad at quantum physics. (Seriously, how am I supposed to know that Newton’s Laws don’t apply at the quantum level???)

But one (admittedly, pathetic) thing I’m pretty good at is predicting the programming changes in talk radio.

So…now that Frosty, Heidi and Frank are fired, the next question is:  Who will replace them?

Here are my predictions, in order of likely-ness.

#1 Mr. KABC

He’s the one who has been doing the most fill-in work on the station lately, he’s good, he works cheap, he’s a beloved Southern California radio icon. And his NAME is, like, Mr. KABC. That has to mean something.

Oh…and…on Friday night he got all vasovagal-y when Sharon the Gossip Mom brought up the possibility.

#2 John Phillips

Boring. Boring. Boring. But KABC seems to love love love putting him in that 9-12 slot.

(Yes, I realize this would leave another empty time slot. But I can’t be in charge of every time slot right now. Maybe after I catch up on Mad Men.)

#3 Al Rantel

Kind of a dream choice. I have no idea if he’s ready to come back to work full-time. But he sure sounds good on those Natren Healthy Trinity commercials.

#4 Re-shuffle of the schedule where one of the above is hired, but in a different time slot.

Putting this option on the list because I learned from Tim Conway, Jr. you gotta box that trifecta, maan. (I’m not exactly sure what that means but I think it applies here??)

#5 Infomercial or some lame nationally-syndicated show

This might actually be more likely than #5 but I refuse to put it higher on the list. This option would make me forget that KABC was ever a station.

1981

Or, when I was a kid, chicken nuggets weren’t invented.

So yeah, we were totally deprived. We had no chicken nuggets and no selection of delicious dipping sauces. No gallons of Ranch dressing as available as tap water.

We had fish sticks. And ketchup.

But guess what – we looooved fish sticks and ketchup, especially if it was served with a side of Kraft macaroni and cheese. We couldn’t get enough of the stuff.

Us: What’s for dinnerrrrrr?

Mom: Beef stroganoff.

Us: Grosssss! Can’t we just have fish sticks????

Mom: You know the fish sticks are only for when the babysitter is coming.

Us: Can the babysitter come tonight?

Mom: Go play outside.

That’s the way life was pre-chicken nugget, pre-cable TV (OK, that was invented but our neighborhood didn’t have it), pre-Internet, pre-online shopping, pre-Netflix Watch Instantly, pre-Facebook, pre-Prius, pre-amazon.com, pre-iPad, pre-podcast.

All we could hope to dream for was chicken nuggets – because we didn’t know any better.

But now it’s 2010 and we’re grownups. We’ve moved past fish sticks and ketchup and now we want seared ahi and roasted artichoke hearts and grilled vegetables – all of them – zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, red bell peppers, red onions, asparagus, broccoli, carrots…everything. All of it locally-grown and organic. (Duh!)

And there are restaurants more than happy to give us what we want. And those restaurants are crowded. Every. Single. Night.

So here’s the deal, KABC…

John Phillips=fish sticks

Nationally-syndicated show=fish sticks

Infomercial show=worse than fish sticks…maybe like…cat food

Al Rantel=seared ahi

Mr. KABC=seared ahi

Pleeeeeease, KABC, give us something good. We aren’t the un-sophisticated, inexperienced, low-enders we used to be.

We know better now.

Labor Day? More like Super Awesome Day

So what are you doing tomorrow? Sleeping in? Going to the beach? Partying with your cousins? Neighborhood barbecue and last-minute haircuts and back to school shopping?

Well this is what I’m doing and what you should do too, if you want to be cool like me.

What? I’m cool. I’m not a repressed English major who spends too much time listening to talk radio and not enough time getting her belly button pierced and going to Cancun. Sheesh!

So tomorrow…

5-9am  Wayne Resnick fills in for Bill Handel on KFI

9-12pm  Marc Germain fills in for Frosty, Heidi and Frank on KABC

12-3pm  Um…I don’t know. Bill Carroll’s on for an extra hour on KFI if you’re into him. I’ll probably read by the pool.

3-7pm  Conway and Steckler fill in for John and Ken on KFI

7pm-bedtime  It’s all about Don Draper, Dexter Morgan and Mikael Blomkvist.

Oh, and probably a little chocolate with sea salt. And wine.

Society for creative anachronism

One year ago all I wanted was for Frosty, Heidi, and Frank to be back on the radio. That’s not hyperbole – it was ALL I wanted.

Today – five months after they started at KABC – I feel kinda sorry for them.

It seems like every person who worked at KLSX – from Adam Carolla on down – is living their broadcasting dream. They’re on the cutting edge of talk radio technology with podcasts and live shows and Internet radio stations. They ARE the future of talk radio.

It’s like if, when you were a kid, everyone on your street had a brand-new hovercraft and your dad bought a new Cadillac. Sure, it’s new. And nice. And it’ll get you where you’re going. But for how long? Eventually the gas stations and freeways will disappear. And you’ll be stuck in that hot box.

So I can’t help but wonder (sorry for stealing that transition, Carrie Bradshaw), WHY do Frosty, Heidi, and Frank work at KABC? It’s so weird. I’ve tried to embrace it. I certainly support them.

But I can’t ignore it anymore. They don’t belong there. And I feel like I want to rescue them. Immediately.

(Of course…unlike the hovercrafters, they are actually getting paid…)