Being Winnie Cooper

I’m not one of these chicks who pretends to be dumb at math. I can add stuff, I know what an isosceles triangle is, and I know that if something costs $10.77 and I give the cashier $11.02, I’m getting a quarter back.

But also, I sometimes make poor financial decisions. For example, one time I bought dark, dark red nail polish instead of lunch because I thought the nail polish would have a bigger effect on my well-being. Turns out I was just a girl with blood red fingernails. Who was also hungry.

Another time I emptied my emergency fund to buy the fancy MacBook on which I am currently typing this blog post. Some people would call that irresponsible. To them I say – HA! I didn’t have an emergency! But I do have a cool computer! So there!!!

Oh yeah, and one more. I didn’t get renter’s insurance until there was a wildfire LITERALLY half a mile from my house. Seriously.

So yeah. I have no problem admitting when I’m confused about money. I’m very confused right now and I need your help.

Explain to me how a company that sells HUMMUS can afford to spend however many thousands of dollars on radio ads at KFI? During drive time. It’s like non-stop car dealer and hummus dealer commercials every afternoon. Does that make sense?

How much does this hummus cost? It’s gotta be under $10, right? I mean, it’s just garbanzo beans, tahini, garlic, and lemon, yeah?

Or…do you think it’s possible that hummus costs as much as a car???

Help!

P.S. Here’s proof that I’m not super stupid.

From a night printing press manager out in Burbank

I often say that the moment of my life in which I felt the most proud of another human being was when Neville killed Nagini in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(Hey, stop it! I am not a loser! Or a nerd! Hmpf.)

Today I feel a similar kind of proudness pride about Mr. Randy Wang.

Not only did LAist write an awesome article about the wild popularity of The Pretty Good Podcast, but Randy has also been honored with the privilege of possessing his very own blog on the KFI website.

This is super awesome. Because now Randy is rubbing pixels with tons of KFI superstars! People like Michelle Kube, Steve Gregory, and Wayne Resnick’s cat!

Congratulations, Randy – you’re a big effing STUD!

P.S. If you want to hear a real low-energy Randy Wang (erstwhile Ryan Wong) and you have a deep, DEEP Conway and Whitman podcast library, listen to the 10/18/06 segment entitled, “The Bloggers and the Homeless.”

P.P.S. I would like someone to please write a short story, or perhaps a one-act play, of the same title. Thank you for your artistry. You are very kind.

P.P.P.S. In that same segment, you will also be treated to the story of Brian Whitman and the Homeless Hotel Rental. Again…one-act play fodder. Go!

P.P.P.P.S. Brian, you are not allowed to listen to it. I don’t want to unnecessarily upset you by forcing you to reminisce about your American Express black card.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Rubbing Pixels is the name of my new band. We do covers of autotuned talk radio segments. Yeah, we’re gonna be SUPER famous!

If you call and I’m not home, I’ll be at the gym or the gun club.

Hello, Jack? I’m Annette.

Some of you have wondered why I’ve been so generous and complimentary lately. You’re like – What’s going on with you? You seem so happy. Did you get a new kitten? Are you pregnant? Are you in love? And I’m all – No…I don’t think so…and no.

So lest you think I’ve become too soft, here’s a list of people who are doing it wrong.

Heidi and Frank – They open the show with various songs that have two things in common. They’re super long and they’re super annoying. Actually, the entire show is filled with terrible music.

Pretty Good Podcast – Sorry, Randy. I’m totally glad you have a girlfriend. Will you please just call her your girlfriend? Or at least make up a new, normal name for her? Something like Rachel or Emily or Brooke? I mean, I get the Apollonia significance, but c’mon. Unless you’re actually Prince, you can’t call your girl Apollonia.

KFI – Alright, we’ve had our Frosty trial. Enough. He’s not getting better. He’s getting worse.

Cockles and Mussels

Hi.

In my last post I called newsman Aron Bender ‘sweet and vulnerable.’ That’s totally true. But I forgot a few things. (What?! I’m sorry! I was having trouble adjusting to all this lame sunlight we get during Daylight Saving Time. Pfft. Sun. Who needs it?)

So Bender…(in addition to being sweet and vulnerable) you are a major, major stud.

If I actually knew you and I had like…a jar of Peppadew peppers that I couldn’t open, I would totally ask you to open it for me. This confident am I in your massive masculine strength.

Also, I’m sure you’ve made out in cars with tons of chicks. (Before you were married, OF COURSE.) You know how to work that – I’m sweet and vulnerable, ‘talk nerdy to me,’ but also super effing hot – vibe.

There you go. Makes the News Bender sound way sexier, right?

Wondering where I am lost without you

During times of world crisis, I never watch TV. I don’t read newspapers. I don’t listen to Ryan Seacrest. I don’t sit on my front stoop in my dressing gown and curlers talking indiscriminately to passersby. And I don’t crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. (OK, sometimes I do that. Stop spying on me.)

I listen to KFI.

I listen to KFI because they have BY FAR the best news department in California. They make me feel informed and safe and looked after.

Today, I’m in love with all these studs.

Eric Leonard – I don’t care if you’re elitist and difficult and scary and untouchable. You ARE KFI news. I remember when I was like 24 and you were like 22 and you were the first one to every crime scene and news story. That was super hot.

Steve Gregory – Yes, I called your newscast adorable the other night. I didn’t mean it condescendingly. You’re a totally bad ass news dude with a huge wang bullet-proof vest. But it was kinda cute hearing you try to say ‘KFI News’ without saying KFI NEWS.

Aron Bender – Oh, Bender… I love your tweets. And I love that you don’t try to act tough in front of Tim. So vulnerable and sweet. It’s true…if it weren’t for the show, you two would have never met. Also, you have the cutest glasses of all the news guys.

Gary Hoffmann – Superfluous Ns aside, I love you mostly for busting Handel’s balls. And also because you pretend you’re too good for everyone. You gotta admire that level of pretention. (Also, I’ve met Gary. And…eh…his forehead’s fine.)

Laura Ingle – OK, I know you don’t work at KFI anymore. But I never had the chance to tell you – you’re amazing. Super tough and AWESOME news chick. I still think about your coverage of the Scott Peterson trial and the day you recounted Sharon Rocha’s testimony during the penalty phase. You cried. I cried. We were lucky to have you.

Spectacular Festival Pageant of Nighttime Magic and Imagination

Here’s a scene from my Pre-Timmy Time life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. Hm. Tim’s coming on soon. Let me just finish this episode of House Hunters/wash these dishes/organize my earrings/look up the lyrics to the Raveonettes’ You Want the Candy online and I’ll catch TCJ in a bit.

Here’s a scene from my Timmy Time (long edition) life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. (To everyone who happens to be in my house or car…) TIMMY TIME – FOUR MINUTES!!!!! Turn on KFI/turn up volume/tell friends and family to please shut up and get ready to sing.

And then.

Similar to that initial low, bassy, electronic vacuum-sounding buzz that kicks of the Main Street Electrical Parade composition, the opening notes of Timmy Time are evocative and pregnant with verisimilitude.

Everyone becomes instantly enchanted and mesmerized. Then we sing. And dance. And celebrate. And we listen to KFI for three straight hours.

Timmy Time is important. We need it back. It’s a celebration of community and humanity and freedom.

It’s America. In the best way possible.

P.S. If you believe in America, please LIKE – Bring Back the LONG Timmy Time Theme on the Tim Conway, Jr. Show. Thanks. You’re a huge stud.

Confessions of a Talk Radio Blogger

Hi. My name is Jennifer. I’m a talk radio blogger. I know you must think I live a super pathetic glamorous lifestyle. But really, it’s not nearly as fancy as you imagine.

I mean…I am amusing, I suppose. I have the finest couturier in Vienna and a glittering circle of friends. And I do give some rather gay parties. But take all that away, and you have this. An evening of…

Reading one of the top thirty (at least!) books of our time.

Adding new podcasts to my iTunes library.

Drinking tea out of a Brady Bunch mug. (Because I don’t have a Mary Tyler Moore one.)

And listening to the triumphant return of Timmy Time!

P.S. One more thing. A hashtag note to myself (Because I need the meta data (I don’t really know what that means. Or if it makes sense.)): #youarenotacharacterinthesoundofmusic

Two arrs two ells

So tomorrow the Bill Carroll show officially gets expanded to three hours.

What did you say? WTF? Yeah, I understand. But look at it this way…

You know how John and Ken hate carpool lanes? But seemingly contradictorily advocate the construction of new carpool lanes? Because let’s get the lanes built. We’ll work on rearranging the lines later.

This is kinda like that.

2-7 is too long for afternoon drive. Also, it’s just weird to start driving at 2:00. It’s barely after lunch. You should be enjoying your margarita buzz and wasting time shopping for shoes online working hard at 2:00. So a 12-3, 3-7 schedule is good.

Having an extra hour of Bill Carroll? Eh, I don’t think we have to endure it for too long. He’s on his way out. This All-Bill-Carroll-All-The-Time plan KFI threw at us over the holidays was a last-ditch attempt at garnering favor.

Yeah, that didn’t work.

We’ll all be free of our Canadian bondage soon enough.

Stories Pitched by Our Kids

Or…the Coup d’Toe.

Waaaay back in February when it was cold and rainy outside and I was wearing mittens and two hoodies inside (unlike now when it’s warm and sunny and I’m wearing Daisy Dukes, bikini on top), This American Life did a show called – Stories Pitched by Our Parents.

This was the episode that introduced the beautiful and important Erie Canal song to the world. No, not THAT Erie Canal song. A better one. Btw, did you know that the Erie Canal was the eighth wonder of the world when it was built? And that today it is Make-Out City? (I’m so there.)

Anyway…my parents haven’t ever pitched me any blog ideas. Well, one time my dad sent me a facebook message asking me if Ira Fistell was still on the air. But yeah…that’s it. However, my 11-year old has been insisting I write a blog called…

Randy Wang and the Every Other Week Clothes

Him: You HAVE to write about Randy only washing his clothes every other week and Febreezing the rest of the time!!!
Me: He was kidding.
Him: No, he said it!
Me: Seriously. He was kidding.
Him: Well you should still write about it.

So there you go. I wrote about it. :)

Other ideas he has pitched to me…

My Son Is Really Obsessed with Watching Leo Laporte on the Roku

and

Some Kind of Insult About Obama

(Note to self: Maybe a little less John and Ken for that kid.)

I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you so

Picture it – Orange County 1979. I’m in first grade. I’m probably wearing some dress my mom made. Like this one.

I’m doing cartwheels and handstands on the playground with my fancy big-girl friends. And it goes like this:

Her: You don’t still watch Mister Rogers, do you?
Me: Well, no, not really. Only when they’re doing an opera.

#1  I totally still watched Mister Rogers.

#2  Somehow I knew that was un-cool.

#3  I thought there was some type of Opera Exemption Policy?!?!? And that operas made it MORE cool? Not waaaaaaaaay less?!?!!?!?

Well guess what – before PBS got all lame and stopped running it every day, I still watched it. Opera or no opera. Because Mister Rogers is awesome for a million reasons.

For example, did you know that Johnny Costa played the iconic opening and closing themes for Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood live? Every single day. Isn’t that wonderful and special?

I was thinking today about how talk radio is wonderful and special. And that one of the reasons is simply because it’s live. When you’re listening to talk radio and there’s a balls-up or a bomb house burning, it’s like you’re experiencing the event as a community. You, Steve Gregory, and every single other person in Southern California.

(What do you mean not everyone listens to KFI? I don’t believe you.)

P.S. These Mister Rogers books were in three different places in my house. I gathered them in less than 30 seconds. What do you think that says about me?