Motorcycle man on a mission

I literally have 5 minutes to write this post. And by literally, I mean literally. It’s not like when I say – I’m literally going to die if the girl who works at Classic Movie Night ever quits or gets sick or moves to France.

That would be silly.

But this is super not silly.

Talk Radio One finally has an awesome website with actual content and actual RSS feeds!

You can subscribe to just your favorite show (me: Film Fustians) or you can subscribe to all TRO offerings.

P.S. Email me if you need help setting it up in iTunes. I promise I won’t laugh. Lots of people don’t know how.

Wooooooooooooo!

OK, gotta go practice my Doodle Jumping. Nite nite. :)

Just uh…running around…doing this and that and the other

I have LOTS of great ideas. For example, black-colored Kleenex so you can cry in movies and people won’t look at you. See, cuz it’s dark in there so the black Kleenex is camouflaged.

No good? Hmpf.

Luckily, I have a bunch more. How about one of my anthropological sociology ideas?

Like…if you want to find out if someone is younger than 30, just ask them – Do you like super sour candy? If they say yes, they’re under 30.

I can see you are thoroughly unimpressed. Be nice. I haven’t been sleeping much lately.

But here are some really, really great radio ideas for you…

Listen to last night’s (5/3/11) Tim Conway, Jr. Show – John Kerry song, making fun of Whitman, and Tim is going dancing with his cousins. It was like 2006. Only better.

Listen to Talk Radio One tomorrow night for the triumphant return of Natren Healthy Trinity’s number one spokesman – Al Rantel. Oh well, look…you know…

Five Things I Super Wish Were True

One
I super wish Marc Germain and Gloria Allred had a smoking hot fling the summer when Marc was like 19 and Gloria was like 45. Gloria would give him secret sips of her margarita at Casa Vega and then they would drive over to the Best Western on Sepulveda and the 101 where they would make love and listen to Dr. Demento on the clock radio.

Two
I super wish Bill Carroll caught Robin Bertolucci smuggling illegal perfume and nylons and chocolate into the United States from Canada. And that he promised not to turn her in if she gave him a show on KFI. And also twice a year she has to go back to Canada and stock up on fishnet stockings for Bill’s wife. (And, secretly, for Bill too.)

Three
I super wish Doug McIntyre sits there at night talking to these low-end old men and old women from Alabama and thinks to himself – EFF! I’m an effing graduate of effing Stonehill College and an effing award-winning writer! I’m Doug effing McIntyre! Why do I have to sit here in the middle of the night talking to these dopes?!

Four
I super wish KFI deferred to me in all programming decisions. (Hey, this is my wish list – I can wish for anything I want. Also, I’d like a very painful massage and a glass of unsweetened iced tea. Please.)

Five
I super wish George Noory participated in a totally secret celebrity chess enthusiast chatroom during Coast to Coast. So when he’s talking to Richard C. Hoagland and Linda Moulton Howe, he’s simultaneously IMing with Chris Hardwick and Mo Rocca and the guy from Jane’s Addiction about the Sicilian Defense.

Perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.

“You know, if you don’t have a jones for Egypt, it’s a pretty slow news day.” ~Tim Conway, Jr.

I didn’t think I had a jones for Egypt. Yes, I’d like to have a general sense of what’s going on. Of course. But yeah, I don’t need to hear Walk Like an Egyptian or King Tut one more time. And I certainly don’t need to hear interviews with people who went on vacation to Egypt two years ago (ahem…Rob Marinko).

So I planned to fast-forward through Marc Germain’s interview with Kholoud, a 24-year old Egyptian chick. I’m so glad I didn’t – she’s awesome. I totally heart her. Download and listen please. (But also please ignore Marc when he tries to set her up with Justin Levine. Creeeeepy.)

“Who I think is the most fascinating person in the whole world, is a person who lives in North Korea.” ~Jen Andrews, Too Beautiful to Live

I don’t have an Egypt jones. But I kinda do have a North Korea jones. So I’ll be spending my free time drinking champagne and sending inappropriate texts reading Nothing to Envy by Barbara Demick. Wanna read it with me?

C for Effort, F for Execution

You guys, I’m super sorry about yesterday’s post. Talk about dumb…

OK, fresh start. Please know there will be no further references to Jane Austen (or any other author you were forced to read in 10th grade). Though the offer for private tutoring still stands.

Back in the old Mr. KABC days, one of the frequently asked questions was this.

My wife is making me take her out dancing. How can I set a timer to record your show?

As always, he had the answer. I never tried it myself, but Mr. K would walk these desperate dudes through setting up a kind of ghetto TiVo for the radio using a VCR, duct tape, and paperclips.

Me? I just tried to stay home at night. Looking back…that seems like a bad decision. I’m better now. Promise.

And anyway, we don’t need grTiVo (ghetto radio TiVo…pronounced grrrrr-TiVo) now that we have podcasts. You can take your wife out to any lame place she wants to go and catch all your radio shows later.

This is awesome. Most of the time.

Other times you’re listening to a days-old Tim Conway, Jr. show and Aron Bender calls you out for tweeting that you had a dream about Steve Gregory.

Thanks, Bender.

And…yeah. I sometimes dream about radio people. So what? That’s totally normal.

P.S. Please listen to my boyfriend Steve Gregory on the Pretty Good Podcast. Super hot interesting.

Look, I can’t quote Shakespeare every day…

I actually have a ton of work to do… So just a few random updates, unconnected to any scene in Hamlet, LA Story, Gidget, Harry Potter, Mary Tyler Moore, or the Brady Bunch. Also unrelated to any Tudor queen or princess or Elizabethan courtesan.

I’m sorry. You can give me the Dr. Drew disappointed face now.

Pretty Good Podcast

Throw some money at those studs and get that Conway Superfecta, maaan. You have a few extra bucks in your paycheck now that Social Security withholdings have been reduced from 6.2% to 4.2%.

Marc Germain

Don’t try to tell us the mainstream media isn’t covering the Dr. Murray trial. Fine, you want to promote this nutty ‘Betsy Ross’ broad you’re having on your show again, but come on… KFI is totally on it.

KFI NEWS

Eric @ Crim Courts – Jackson doc waited 1 hr, 17 min to call for help. Latest live @ 4p news – then 4:05 w/John and Ken.

Eric @ Crim Courts – latest on Michael Jackson’s doctor prelim – live at 12:50 w/Bill Carroll: doc ordered gallons of drug that killed MJ

Teresa Strasser

Congratulations on the movie option!

We have to write an essay on Stanley Miles.

When my son was seven years old, he spent his Christmas money on a box set of NASA DVDs. He cherished them, insisting they be kept locked in a fireproof safe when not in use. For months he would tell me, “It was so nice of NASA to make these DVDs!!! I’m just SO thankful!!!”

It’s that kind of simple and innocent gratitude we should all have this time of year.

So in addition to being super thankful to NASA for their totally awesome DVDs, I’m also thankful for…

Jen Andrews from TBTL for writing:  If you don’t get why Harry Potter matters, I would remind you that Dobby is a free elf, that “expelliarmus” is the spell used by someone who knows that love is always the answer, and that Percy can always come home.

Trader Joe’s for the sweet potato fries. And the pumpkin butter.

Steve Martin for joining Twitter and for writing another book. Oh, and for tweeting about Leo Laporte. More than once.

Dina Losito and Barry from Omaha for the alternate show during the show.

Randy Wang and Tim Conway, Jr. for the awesomest promos in talk radio.

My MacBook because…obviously.

Adam Shankman for loving dance.

Kelly Dylla and Suzanne Boxdorfer for making the symphony so much fun this summer. #pstweetcert

Wayne Resnick for taking care of us on holidays. And also, just because.

And, of course, everyone who reads I Heart Talk Radio. You guys are all major studs and hot chicks!

Please don’t get mad at me…

…but I don’t have ANY Jerry Brown/Meg Whitman finger puppets.

So you have two choices:

1. Pretend it’s Election Night 2008 and you’re all full of hope and change.

2. Pretend John McCain is Jerry Brown and Sarah Palin is Meg Whitman.

And also…

Listen to Election Coverage with Marc Germain, Brian David Whitman, Rob Marinko, and Dina Losito on www.talkradioone.com. 8pm Pacific.

It’s a little light on the election coverage but it makes up for it with Kenny Kingston, sweet spirit.

Um…excuse me…Mr. Marinko…

I don’t mean to interrupt your nights of football watching, gambling, drinking, cocktail waitress flirting, Sharon’s sister sexually harassing, ice cream sundae eating, butt dialing, Facebook flame war inciting, computer breaking, computer shooting, wife’s ass kissing, bad car deal complaining, midnight snack eating, cat rescuing, pain pill popping, sleep apnea denying, squelched out whining, secret eating, and wife’s money spending…but…

GET THE EFF BACK TO WORK!

Fine – it’s not a real job. I get it. But seriously, how hard is it shoot the ess with your friends for a couple hours?

And this Justin Levine is soooo going after your fake job. He’s all, “I’ll do the news! Pick me! Pick me!”

But the thing is, Rob. No one wants to pick him. Everyone wants you. Why do you have to be so god damned difficult?

Now…back to work with you!

Fermat’s Last Theorem of Talk Radio

“Big” KABC announcement: Larry Elder returns to KABC 9-12, replacing Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

“Other” KABC announcement: Mr. KABC, Al Rantel and Bob Brinker return to KABC.

OK, so…yeah…technically, I was wrong. Technically. But I don’t think I was that wrong.

Here’s why…

• Two of the people on my list – Mr. KABC and Al Rantel – are returning to KABC, just not in the 9-12 slot.
• The return of Larry Elder satisfies the basic theme of my predictions – bringing back an ex-KABC host.

And seriously, let’s not discount the very real possibility that Jack Silver read my post and thought:

“Yeah, bringing back an ex-KABC host would be cool! Great idea! But I’d better not fulfill her predictions exactly. Too obvious. Who else used to work at this station? Larry Elder? Great! Call him and let’s get back to the cooch* talk! What?! KABC doesn’t do cooch talk?! I don’t understand. What am I doing here?”

*I can’t believe I actually typed that word AND googled it because I was unsure of its spelling.**

**Turns out asterisks are addicting.***

***Off to find an AA**** meeting.

****Asterisks Anonymous. Duh!