Look, I can’t quote Shakespeare every day…

I actually have a ton of work to do… So just a few random updates, unconnected to any scene in Hamlet, LA Story, Gidget, Harry Potter, Mary Tyler Moore, or the Brady Bunch. Also unrelated to any Tudor queen or princess or Elizabethan courtesan.

I’m sorry. You can give me the Dr. Drew disappointed face now.

Pretty Good Podcast

Throw some money at those studs and get that Conway Superfecta, maaan. You have a few extra bucks in your paycheck now that Social Security withholdings have been reduced from 6.2% to 4.2%.

Marc Germain

Don’t try to tell us the mainstream media isn’t covering the Dr. Murray trial. Fine, you want to promote this nutty ‘Betsy Ross’ broad you’re having on your show again, but come on… KFI is totally on it.

KFI NEWS

Eric @ Crim Courts – Jackson doc waited 1 hr, 17 min to call for help. Latest live @ 4p news – then 4:05 w/John and Ken.

Eric @ Crim Courts – latest on Michael Jackson’s doctor prelim – live at 12:50 w/Bill Carroll: doc ordered gallons of drug that killed MJ

Teresa Strasser

Congratulations on the movie option!

Swing the spinning step

Or, you’re a really good teacher, Harry.

Fair Warning
I am probably going to say some things that sound sexist and unprogressive. I, in no way, mean to disparage men or women.

Please don’t call Gloria Allred, Tammy Bruce, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Gloria Steinem, Hillary Duff, or Taylor Swift.

OK. Here’s a conversation I recently had with my brother…

Him: I can’t listen to Teresa’s news on the Peter Tilden show. It’s so liberal.
Me: She has to have SOME fun.
Him: She wasn’t like that on the Adam Carolla show.
Me:  Well yeah, because she was happier there. She’d rather be with Adam but she has a strong work ethic and an obligation to her family to make money, so she takes the job with Peter Tilden that pays money, even though it’s not what she wants to do. So to make it bearable, she gives a liberal slant to the news. It’s for her. It gives her some pleasure in that depression city that is KABC. Get it?
Him: Wow.
Me: It’s just like Cho Chang and her complex feelings.

No idea what I’m talking about? C’mon people…Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? It was like two movies ago.

Alright fine. I’ve transcribed the scene for you. Set-up info: Harry and Cho Chang kissed at the end of Dumbledore’s Army practice. Cho was crying.

Hermione: Don’t you understand how she must be feeling?
Ron/Harry: (Blank, clueless faces.)
Hermione: Obviously she’s feeling sad about Cedric, confused about liking Harry, guilty about kissing him, conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mom from her job at the Ministry, frightened of failing her O.W.L.s because she’s so busy worrying about everything else.

See? It’s totally the same thing.

So, yeah. I’m the brand new Hermione Granger. Look at me.

I agree wholeheartedly

Or, why Teresa Strasser is way better than Tracy Metro.

I’m totally a fan of people having jobs that pay money. Even when it means they can’t be as available to me with free podcasts. (This doesn’t apply to you, Mr. KABC. I really need you to keep doing the free shows, even if it means you have to give up the luxurious lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.)

But yeah…in general, I want all the Internet radio show and podcast people to have real jobs that pay real money. So I understand when Teresa Strasser can’t do the news on the Adam Carolla Show because she’s busy being on the receiving end of a major passive-agressive Peter Tilden move.

I understand it but I don’t like it.

I don’t like it because every chick who has filled in for Teresa has sucked. Completely. As Rich Marotta would say, every one of them has been filled with suckiosity.

And at the pinnacle of Mt. Saint Sucky is this Tracy Metro. I mean, seriously, who told this girl she could do the news?

First of all, she coughed throughout the entire show today. You’re sick, you have a cough, there’s no official ‘cough’ button – I get it. But how about you at least TRY to move your mouth away from the microphone? It was like she mistook the microphone for a Sucrets. (Old-fashioned cough drop reference dedicated to Adam “let’s head down to the Alpha Beta” Carolla.)

And then she was reading some story about Christine O’Donnell, to which Adam said something about her being a Wiccan. And Tracy’s all, “She’s a Wiccan?!?!?!!?!?!?!?” Like it hasn’t been in the news for weeks. If you’re going to pretend to be a news broadcaster, at least pretend that you’ve heard of some news.

Hey, I have a great idea! Maybe someone could give Adam like…10 million dollars? Then he could pull the old Officer and a Gentleman move, swoop into that KABC studio, rescue Teresa from a life of commercial, traffic and news breaks, take her to the warehouse, give her a microphone and maybe half a Xanax, and give her some money.

So yeah…if anyone has an extra 10 million dollars lying around, can you give it to Adam? That would be awesome – thanks!

I’m sitting in a parking lot

That’s true. I am sitting in a parking lot. Seems like I’ve been spending a lot of time in parking lots lately. (Suzanne – Stop laughing!)

So I’m sitting in a parking lot, MacBook in lap, wishing for WiFi, and listening to The Parent Experiment with Teresa Strasser, Lynette Carolla and Molly Ringwald.

By the way, Suzanne, did you know that Molly Ringwald met her husband online and they corresponded for like a year before they met in person? (Perhaps I shouldn’t be blogging but rather writing to Suzanne directly.)

I was thinking how lucky modern moms are. My son is 10 so I’m kinda past the – how do I get my kid to sleep – phase but I think it’s great that new moms have realistic role models like Teresa and Lynette.

You know…moms who aren’t perfect, but do obsess over things like BPA in plastic water bottles. Like all normal moms do.

(Realizing this post might have been more appropriate yesterday. On Mother’s Day. But I’m a mom. And I was busy yesterday. Buying tank tops and feeding my kid non-organic vending machine potato chips. Shhh…don’t tell Mayim Bialik.)

For no reason

Top 10 Funniest People in Talk Radio of All Time

These are the people who make me (or made me – some ain’t so funny these days – but don’t worry, I’m not talking about you Brian) laugh out loud, sometimes so hard I’m crying and I can’t breathe.

10.  Tod Perry

9.  Gary Hoffmann

8.  Howard Stern

7.  Teresa Strasser

6.  Rob Marinko

5.  Frosty Stilwell

4.  Phil Hendrie

3.  April Winchell

2.  Brian Whitman

1.  Tim Conway, Jr.

(Um, why does this post have no title?)

So since I’ve been busy being a super sexy single mom on a budget, in a Mad Men-Dexter-Californication coma and reading yet ANOTHER book about the wives of Henry VIII, I’ve missed blogging about some of the important talk radio news.

The Another Bill Handel Show Flames Out

Hahaha

OK, that was childish. But seriously, that show got boring-er and boring-er every day it aired. And it started out pretty boring.

Return of Doug McIntyre’s Red Eye Radio

RER is a talk radio institution. Finding the podcast, however, took a little digging. Here’s the feed. (Copy the URL; go to iTunes; go to Advanced > Subscribe to Podcast; Paste the URL; click OK)

ACE Broadcasting Network

Loving the Parent Experiment with Teresa Strasser and Lynette Carolla. I’ll likely not listen to Car Cast, Spider and the Henchman, Daves of Thunder, et al. but I think it’s AWESOME that they exist. Go Adam.

Platters of verisimilitude

So all my favorite bloggers are getting book deals. First it was Teresa Strasser with Exploiting My Baby, then it was Jenna at Eat, Live, Run. Now April Winchell has signed a book deal for Regresty.

While I think it’s AWESOME and I’m totally excited for them, it does compel me to pose these questions.

What gives Random House?

Where’s my book deal?

I know what you’re thinking. Perhaps pregnancy and motherhood, healthy living and recipes, and clever reviews of weird homemade crap have a slightly broader appeal than the happenings of talk radio shows and podcasts based mostly in Los Angeles. Slightly.

But, come on, there is important analysis to be done. Like who should replace John Batchelor on KFI. Or comparisons of talk radio hosts to people in history and pop culture and classical literature.

And, really, who else is going to do it?

P.S.  Please don’t ask April about her father.