Stories Pitched by Our Kids

Or…the Coup d’Toe.

Waaaay back in February when it was cold and rainy outside and I was wearing mittens and two hoodies inside (unlike now when it’s warm and sunny and I’m wearing Daisy Dukes, bikini on top), This American Life did a show called – Stories Pitched by Our Parents.

This was the episode that introduced the beautiful and important Erie Canal song to the world. No, not THAT Erie Canal song. A better one. Btw, did you know that the Erie Canal was the eighth wonder of the world when it was built? And that today it is Make-Out City? (I’m so there.)

Anyway…my parents haven’t ever pitched me any blog ideas. Well, one time my dad sent me a facebook message asking me if Ira Fistell was still on the air. But yeah…that’s it. However, my 11-year old has been insisting I write a blog called…

Randy Wang and the Every Other Week Clothes

Him: You HAVE to write about Randy only washing his clothes every other week and Febreezing the rest of the time!!!
Me: He was kidding.
Him: No, he said it!
Me: Seriously. He was kidding.
Him: Well you should still write about it.

So there you go. I wrote about it. :)

Other ideas he has pitched to me…

My Son Is Really Obsessed with Watching Leo Laporte on the Roku

and

Some Kind of Insult About Obama

(Note to self: Maybe a little less John and Ken for that kid.)

Independence Day

Chicago Wiener’s Circle

American Life

NPR

Torey Malatia

Sedaris, David reads from his work. He’s awesome, but why does the woman reading with him sound like she time-traveled here from 1934? I guess if you were born in another century, but you had access to time-traveling technology, you would certainly travel straight to David Sedaris. Right? Hang on while I call George Noory to confirm. No, wait…I mean Ian Punnett. OK…west of the Rockies…first time caller line… Yeah. Ian doesn’t know. He’s talking about poodles. Will need to wait for an Art Bell night for the answer.

Lots of haiku in 1996. Was that a thing?

Enough episodes of This American Life from 1996.

Enough episodes from 1996. But I think 1997 was a better year. Was 1997 another haiku year? Hoping for diamante poems. Skip.

Please don’t hate me. For the acrosticishness. (What? When you’re awake at 2am you’re allowed to make up new words. Yes, you are. It’s totally a rule. Because…like…no one else is awake to criticize you. As a matter of fact, William Shakespeare made up the word ‘dauntless’ at 2am. Also, Angela Pell wrote this dazlious scene in one of my favorite movies at 2am. So see…precedence.)

I Heart Talk Radio and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I’m going to tell you a secret. No, actually I’m going to tell you a couple secrets.

One…I like it when people tell me secrets. So after reading this post, I think you should tell me one. A good one, though. Don’t tell me anything scary or disgusting. I’m all stocked up on scary and disgusting right now.

Two…I have a secret playlist on my iPod. It’s reserved for listening to on really, really bad days. Really bad. Like when there are inexplicable grounds in your coffee. Or, your neighbors kept you up all night banging on doors and throwing keys and now you’re super tired. Or, your TiVo deleted Mad Men before you had a chance to watch it because it’s all filled up with 80 million episodes of Mythbusters and The Amazing Octopus and Super Massive Black Holes and any show featuring Dr. Michio Kaku.

Pretty bad days, right?

Well…when I have a day as bad as that, all I need to do is grab my iPod, put in those earbuds, and let the perfection of my secret playlist wash over me. It’s kinda like a Silkwood shower, only you feel good after. And your skin isn’t as red.

So…are you ready to hear what’s on this secret playlist? No, it’s not Air Supply Greatest Hits. That’s TOTALLY on my non-secret playlist. Um…please stop laughing.

It is a playlist of my favorite episodes of This American Life. And I named it…

In Case of Emergency, Press Ira

Yeah, cuz I’m a dork. And here is photographic proof.

OK, so now that I’ve outed myself, make me feel better by telling me something. I promise not to tell anyone.

Beats all you never saw

So it’s 1981. I’m 8, my brother is 4. We’re laying on sleeping bags spread out on the totally ’70s linoleum floor. (Strategically placed so as not to touch and, therefore, annoy the other person.)

Oh, why were we laying on the floor in the kitchen?

1. Because in the early ’80s kids weren’t allowed in the living room (wouldn’t want them to mess up the shag carpeting).

2. Because kids weren’t allowed to sit on the kitchen couch (still not sure why there was a couch in the kitchen anyway).

3. Because we only had one TV (and why wouldn’t you put it in the kitchen?)

4. Because my brother had to watch The Dukes of Hazzard (and brothers and sisters used to watch TV together).

My brother had one very specific rule relating to The Dukes of Hazzard. He would NOT go to bed until Rosco said, “Kew-kew-kew-kew,” at the end of the closing credits.

I was thinking about this today while listening to old episodes of This American Life on the super-cool iPhone app.

(By the way, if I only had $2.99 but I still had a computer and an iPhone or iPod Touch and wireless Internet, I would spend the $2.99 on the TAL app. Remember on Sex and the City when Carrie said sometimes she would buy Vogue instead of dinner because it fed her soul more than any food could? It’s like that. Only nerdier.)

Anyway…

I realized that I absolutely can not turn off a TAL episode until Ira says, “I’m Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.”

And then I realized:

1. I might have a slight case of OCD.

2. I’m probably the only person to ever compare Ira Glass to Rosco P. Coltrane.

Wait…I’m the brand new Calvin Coolidge???

What would it take for a sophisticated, intelligent, fascinating, talented blogger to Google Calvin Coolidge quotes at 9:05 on a Sunday night?

No, it’s OK, you can say it. A sophisticated, intelligent, fascinating, talented blogger would certainly NOT Google Calvin Coolidge quotes. At any time. EVER.

So I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m doing just that. (Don’t tell me – I’m fragile.)

I read in a book* that a woman once seated next to Coolidge at a dinner party made a bet that she could get him to say more than two words. “You lose,” he told her.

While this story is quite possibly an urban legend, the following conversation is completely non-urban legendary (is that the term?). What I mean is…it’s depressingly true.

“Ms. Saunders?” (that’s me)

“Yes?”

“You’re a woman of few words, aren’t you?”

“Uh…I guess.”

Why am I telling this embarrassing story about myself? I don’t know. But I DO know that this week’s This American Life is about true urban legends. (How’s that for a segue?)

And, seriously…if you haven’t fallen head-over-heels in love with every inch of that show yet, it’s about damn time you did.

OK…well…keep cool!**

*I know it’s a book for children. That doesn’t mean it’s not good.

**That’s a joke for my super nerdy readers. I <3 u.

So…like…I’m reading this book

Hey – guess what! Did you know that people write books that are NOT about Tudor England?!?

Just kidding. I totally read other things. Seriously. Like important blogs. And Facebook status updates. (That counts as reading, right?) And…I love epistolary books.

So anyway, while I’m saving the remaining 12% of my book for later (thanks, Kindle, for the specific stats)…

From Jennifer to Brian Whitman

12th April, 2010

Dear Brian,

A very special podcast indeed!

Love always,

Jennifer

From Jennifer to Tod Perry

13th April, 2010

Dear Tod,

So sad to learn of your departure from Low Budget. You always made me laugh out loud – not in an LOL way – but actually laugh. Out loud. I’ll never hear a conspiracy theory or meet a whale without thinking of you.

Best of luck,

Jennifer

From Jennifer to Ira Glass

14th April, 2010

Dear Mr. Glass,

You are simply amazing.

Affectionately,

Jennifer

In the bleak midwinter

OK, who’s bored yet? I am. I have…let’s see…NO new podcasts on my iPod. Thank goodness for all the high quality literature I’m reading on my new Kindle. (Shhh…please don’t tell my NerdPR friends I’m reading this crap.)

But I have managed to scrounge up some other holiday recommendations for you guys.

Pretty Good Podcast Christmas Special

What a special treat – gift exchange, holiday songs, Aunt Edna – it doesn’t get better than this. Good job, Randy and Gina!!

Marc Germain back live this week

BTW, remember when Tootie suddenly decided she wanted people to call her by her real name – Dorothy? It didn’t work. Because it’s just weird. That’s how I feel calling Mr. KABC Marc. Just weird.

Anyway, Mr. K, Dan Avey, Dina Losito, even Rob Marinko and Sharon the Gossip Mom, are all back live tonight on Talk Radio One.

KFI fill-in hosts

Gary Hoffman in for Bill Handel in the morning, Wayne Resnick in for Bill Handel in the afternoon, and Tim Conway, Jr. (the sexiest man in talk radio) in for John and Ken. Awesome.

(Do you think we can we get someone to fill in for Bryan Suits?)

Doug McIntyre in for Joe Scarborough

Monday – Wednesday this week 10pm-midnight on KABC. (I think I like these fill-in hosts way better than the originals.)

This American Life – A Very Special Sedaris Christmas

A rerun but enjoyable nonetheless. Some classic David Sedaris Christmas tales, a holiday letter read by Julia Sweeney, and why A Christmas Carol sucks.

This American Podcast – Act III

Podcasts 8, 9 and 10 were fairly worthless and a waste of time.

8. The Stuff of Genius

About 1.5 minutes of how the video game console was invented. Why bother? Oh, and it’s a video podcast. I’ll pass.

9. ROFL

Another video podcast – random stand-up comedy bits. I can tell you one thing… I was certainly not rolling on the floor laughing.

10. Real Time with Bill Maher

Now here’s a real time-waster. A three-minute clip of Real Time with Bill Maher? Why?

So now we’re back to number 4 – Car Talk.

Listening to this podcast took real commitment. I’m not at all interested in cars. Or in crazy anachronistic brothers with crazy laughs. Maybe you are.

www.ihearttalkradio.com oversight by our boss, Mr. Torey Malatia, who is looking forward to the Fake Leykis Podcast and gives this advice to men trying to woo women, “I would…uh…smell good. And I would be wearing…uh…tennis shorts.”

This American Podcast – Act II

4. Car Talk

Umm… This is where I started to regret my so-called “great idea.” I decided to listen to this podcast last. So I will write about it last, too.

5. Stuff You Missed in History Class

Wow. This is the number 5 podcast? It was exactly like listening to Delicious Dish, only not funny. And hosted by the Delta Delta Delta girls.

6. Fresh Air Podcast

Not too much to say about this one. It was not a breath of fresh air, if that’s what they mean by the title. It was like a story from This American Life, only longer. And without Ira Glass.

7. The Adam Carolla Podcast

Ahhh, an old friend. I know I’ve complained about the sound quality of this podcast, but it’s better than it used to be – Adam’s not doing that inadvertent Daffy Duck impression anymore. Listening to it on the heels of Stuff You Missed in History Class and the Fresh Air Podcast is like going to Disneyland after eight hours of traffic school. (Because in Orange County you can’t do online traffic school!)

www.ihearttalkradio.com oversight by our boss, Mr. Torey Malatia, who was overheard saying, “Get it on! Got to get it on. Nothing left to do but to get it on.”

This American Podcast – Act I

1. This American Life

It’s easy to see why This American Life is number 1 – it’s just a quality podcast. Very interesting and diverse topics presented in a compelling and unique way. Seriously, if you are one of the few who don’t listen to this (Brian, I’m talking to you here), you have to try it.

2. Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me

Some sort of game show/news of the week/1950s radio show/Regis and Kelly trivia contest podcast. If Lucy Ricardo had popped up as a guest, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But it was fairly enjoyable.

3. Stuff You Should Know

Just a couple of geeks telling you stuff. Interest solely depends on the topic. The episode I listened to was about spontaneous human combustion. The hosts were… Well, imagine you’re eating your carrots at the lunch table with Anthony Michael Hall’s friends in Sixteen Candles, but Anthony Michael Hall’s not there. Because he’s too cool for you.

www.ihearttalkradio.com oversight by our boss, Mr. Torey Malatia, who in a decidedly un-Tim Conway, Jr. manner says, “I’ve never bagged a babe. I’m not a stud.”